Kids these days.

[21:36] itsrainingwords: i've gotten really good at taking care of myself, rio.
[21:37] starox18: yeah.
[21:38] itsrainingwords: and i'm so used to it..... it doesn't phase me.
[21:38] starox18: it should
[21:38] starox18: everything should
[21:38] starox18: you are young
[21:38] starox18: and you won't always be
[21:38] itsrainingwords: yeah, i'm young.
[21:39] itsrainingwords: but i'm the kind of young that had to/has to be able to be not-so-young. but i'm not so old that i don't appreciate my youth.
[21:40] itsrainingwords: like i told you, i just think about that night in august running around completely naked with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.... and i know that will never be as special as it was.... because i'll never be young enough to appreciate it like that again.
[21:41] starox18: no, you're cynical and you make me want to forcefeed you the little mermaid and twilight and fortune cookies until you think cigarettes are icky and fucked up people aren't really real and sex is something that happens with tru wuv vampire abortion style and you're never going to be that person because you never were
[21:41] starox18: and beer is usually untasty
[21:42] starox18: but cigarettes aren't, and you already know that, and it makes me sad for every child who will never be a child
[21:42] itsrainingwords: believe it or not, there was a time when i was innocent, when i was a kid. it just didn't last as long as it could/should/might have.
[21:42] starox18: and everyone has to grow up sometime but it's not usually over one year
[21:42] starox18: or one month
[21:43] starox18: or one godawful winter where the sun sets at 4 and rises at 8 and it's always dark and you're always miserable
[21:43] starox18: and you come home to realize everyone your own age is twenty years younger
[21:43] starox18: and everything happens all at once
[21:43] starox18: and you fucked up so badly
[21:43] starox18: and you'll never get it back again
[21:44] starox18: and now you're paying for it and you didn't even do that much wrong but no one gives a shit
[21:44] starox18: and everyone is not seeing
[21:44] starox18: and not caring
[21:45] starox18: and you realize that you're fucked up, you're a psa, a pamphlet, a paragraph in a psyche book
[21:45] starox18: and you can't do anything about it
[21:45] starox18: you're fucked up
[21:45] itsrainingwords: way to make me feel like something that isn't a person.
[21:46] starox18: i'm sorry
[21:46] starox18: i'm not really talking to you anymore
[21:46] itsrainingwords: who are you talking to?
[21:49] starox18: it's not really not caring if nobody knows
[21:50] starox18: myself
[21:50] itsrainingwords: i kind of got that feeling.
[21:50] itsrainingwords: but it all still hurts.

Reactivate?

I never update this thing. I don't have a reason to. Few people know it exists. Fewer people care that it exists. Even fewer people would read it. But maybe that's not the motivation. Maybe the motivation is knowing that your words are out there for anyone connected to the internet to read. Maybe I just like knowing that there's the possibility that something I say will mean something to someone - whether I know them or not.

But I don't think I need this blog to do that. I don't know that I ever did. (I could elaborate, but I think I want to leave it to you to determine the significance.)

Wait... they don't love you like I love you.

That's really all I wanted to say. That and, "I'm sorry." Because I am. I'm so sorry.

PS. I dreamt about you again last night. We were on a cliff. It was raining. I miss you.

Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed.

I'm sort of just drifting right now. Drifting away, drifting through, drifting around. I'm not sure. Just... drifting. It's hard to thrive while simultaneously trying to pick up the pieces of something once familiar. Nothing seems to fit anymore. It's all awkward. Chaos still exists, but it's the kind of chaos that induces suffering, not insanity. I don't like it. People I love have been removed from my life. In one way or another I've lost a lover, a best friend, a parent, and a relationship I never wanted to let go of in the first place. Standing alone is scary, but maybe it's necessary. I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Alive.

I fucking hate these essays... but this is the truest one I've ever written:

I’m really not a fan of trying to predict where I’ll be five, ten, fifteen years from now. It’s not that I think it’s a bad idea to have goals and plans… it’s just that I don’t live my life that way. I haven’t known stability in so long that it’s almost uncomfortable to consider mapping out my journey years in advance. Things going how they’re supposed to is nearly foreign to me. Chaos and spontaneity tend to rule my days. Very rarely are there constants in my world. (And when there are, I savor that taste of normalcy.) But hey, that’s all still happening.

In all honesty, I have no idea what the future holds for me. I can’t say that I’m sure I want to get married or have kids. I have no idea what I want to do for a living. I do know, however, that I never want to be living a life where I’m not helping people. Throughout my fifteen-or-so years of existence I have always tried to make the world a better place. I want to be somewhere I can promote tolerance. That’s something that’s really important to me: unconditional acceptance.

I want to be independent. I want to be able to support myself, but I don’t want to forget the people that have supported me this far. I think I want to go to college. I want that experience and that further education. I want to have a source of income; preferably one I enjoy working for. I love words and people – I want to incorporate that in whatever sort of career I end up pursuing. I want to be healthy. That means going back to veganism and keeping with the kickboxing and yoga. I hope to have shared my art and writing with more people. I’d like to have animals. I was never really allowed to have pets in my parents’ home. If I can’t care for them myself, I want to find another way to make them a part of my life. I want to (continue to) be mindful of my surroundings and do as much as I can to respect nature. Music will still fuel my being.

I hope I can still find beauty in everything. I try very hard never to take anything for granted. My sense of appreciation is a huge part of how I make my way through this world. I live for moments and hold fast to memories. If and when I get old, I plan on having plenty of things to look back on and smile at. I want to always be aware (and sometimes prudent), but move fearlessly. I never want to stop being crazy. I want to remain “all over the board” and reside at every end of any spectrum I could possibly be measured against. I want to banish quantitative and relish adjectives. I’m going to keep my strength.

I don’t know where on this planet I’ll be ten years from now, but I know who I will be. My humor will keep me from crying when laughing is better suited. My friends will let me cry when there’s nothing left to do. I will sing and dance with as little reservation as I have today. I will love openly and create passionately. Perseverance will get me through the times I’d rather be asleep. I will look at the world and breathe in its magnificence. I will look at the world and do what I can to end the pain. People will still have reason to call me an old soul and a free spirit. I will be who I am and never wish to be anything else. That… that is all I can tell you.

How the heart bends, and summer she sends a sky that refuses to die.

The title's for Becky - from her bubble-blowing, faerie-rescuing song. I miss her, by the way. I mean, I guess that's expected... for a girl to miss her best friend after a tumultuous ten weeks without her. But... she makes things bearable. She makes it so the moment's all that matters. We were supposed to have a kick ass summer. We half-expected it to top last summer - and believe me, that's tough to beat. Things didn't exactly work out like that, though. At any rate, I miss her terribly. I love you, B. I'm so proud of you.

As much as Becky's been occupying my mind recently, it's been hijacked by someone else entirely. This girl means so much to me. Her ability to love and forgive so unconditionally never ceases to amaze me. She and I have been through hell for being together - and I still think it's worth it. This summer has been a testament to people's intolerance. I never thought this would happen. I would never have guessed that at fifteen, the person I loved like none other would be virtually ripped out of my life with no warning or explanation. I can't say if there was a reason for this - whether or not it was to be this way is beyond me. For a while I tried to forget because it hurt less that way, but she haunted my dreams. And now as the opportunity to see her again draws nearer, I am simultaneously elated and terrified. (I feel no need to elaborate on these emotions - they are as they are.) I love you, Sharon.

And Brinda... where are you? Are you okay? Do you remember how much we care about you? I miss you, babe. I haven't even heard about you in at least a month. I wish I could have helped you. I hate that it turned out like it did. I'm so sorry.

To the people I've been fortunate enough to call friends these past weeks: thank you does not even begin to cover it.

You've been incredible, Lizzy. The birthday from hell was pretty awful, but made less awful by your hugs and cupcakes. I'm so thankful I'm not one to hold grudges, because you're an amazing person and you've made these crazy times that much more tolerable.

I'm not entirely sure where to start (or end, for that matter) with you, Dan. You're kind of like an unwavering source of sanity in this nuthouse I call life. Your willingness to listen and offer what wisdom - however cynical - you have is very much appreciated. You drive me up a wall every once in a while, but it's well worth it - and only fair. We need to get out of here, okay?

And to someone who has probably never looked at this thing: I meant it when I said you made my summer what it was. It must've started months ago, but that night on the way back from Philadelphia is where everything started to make sense. You've been so wonderfully supportive and I wish I could help you the same way. I'm truly going to miss you, but I'm also very happy for you to be where you are.

This didn't start out with any real plan. And I certainly didn't mean for it to sound like an Oscars acceptance speech, but so be it. Basically, I just want to give thanks where it's due and reassure you all that you remain in my heart.

For now and always,
April Grayce

I'm in one of those moods.

The sort of mood that's making me want to type with proper capitalization, apparently. Also the kind that's making the world seem overwhelming. Generally that's a sign that what I need most is sleep. Since when do I do what I should, though? I don't know... I don't even remember what inspired me to log in to blogger. It's not important. I just decided my page looked in need of updating.

Alas I have nothing significant to say. It's summer. I never thought I'd be who I am. I never expected to end up here. With these relationships. With these bad habits. With these talents. In these circumstances. I'm glad I didn't see this coming. It would've been a whole lot less exciting this way.

There's a ton of things I need to have done that I haven't... and I'm on here... telling myself I need to give in and go to bed. Yes... I think I'll do that. Going to bed. Hmm. Staring into the dark at the ceiling for a few hours. Falling asleep as the sun comes up. Tossing and turning. Those dreams again. Nightmares. Wake up. Exhaustion. The day begins.

Goodnight, world.