i'm a mess.

i haven't felt this mixed up for a long time. my stomach is all twirly. my head is killing me. my eyes are even sore. i think that my emotions come out physically. oh dear god. i'm so... gahh! i think i described it earlier as a "lazy, confused, on-the-brink-of-tears, generally satisfied, somewhat frustrated, totally in love, superfucking anxious, i-feel-like-i'm-missing-something" kinda mood. sharon paraphrased it as i have an "empty space - like stuart little, minus the mouse species." and it's true. i feel so sick right now. mentally and physically. i just feel so chaotic and fucked up and ahh! i want some clarity. rull bad. i want everything to be okay. i want people to stop fighting. i want to stop flipping like a fucking switch. i need help. oh dear god, i need help.

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this is not good. in the past few months: i thought i was getting better when in reality i was just trading one problem for another; i've lost what little moral compass i had to begin with; and i don't even know what's fair to expect of people anymore. i wish life came with an 8 ball.

i want to call someone to talk, but i don't know what i'd say. i think that you need to know what's wrong with you before you can go about fixing it.