Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed.

I'm sort of just drifting right now. Drifting away, drifting through, drifting around. I'm not sure. Just... drifting. It's hard to thrive while simultaneously trying to pick up the pieces of something once familiar. Nothing seems to fit anymore. It's all awkward. Chaos still exists, but it's the kind of chaos that induces suffering, not insanity. I don't like it. People I love have been removed from my life. In one way or another I've lost a lover, a best friend, a parent, and a relationship I never wanted to let go of in the first place. Standing alone is scary, but maybe it's necessary. I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Alive.

I fucking hate these essays... but this is the truest one I've ever written:

I’m really not a fan of trying to predict where I’ll be five, ten, fifteen years from now. It’s not that I think it’s a bad idea to have goals and plans… it’s just that I don’t live my life that way. I haven’t known stability in so long that it’s almost uncomfortable to consider mapping out my journey years in advance. Things going how they’re supposed to is nearly foreign to me. Chaos and spontaneity tend to rule my days. Very rarely are there constants in my world. (And when there are, I savor that taste of normalcy.) But hey, that’s all still happening.

In all honesty, I have no idea what the future holds for me. I can’t say that I’m sure I want to get married or have kids. I have no idea what I want to do for a living. I do know, however, that I never want to be living a life where I’m not helping people. Throughout my fifteen-or-so years of existence I have always tried to make the world a better place. I want to be somewhere I can promote tolerance. That’s something that’s really important to me: unconditional acceptance.

I want to be independent. I want to be able to support myself, but I don’t want to forget the people that have supported me this far. I think I want to go to college. I want that experience and that further education. I want to have a source of income; preferably one I enjoy working for. I love words and people – I want to incorporate that in whatever sort of career I end up pursuing. I want to be healthy. That means going back to veganism and keeping with the kickboxing and yoga. I hope to have shared my art and writing with more people. I’d like to have animals. I was never really allowed to have pets in my parents’ home. If I can’t care for them myself, I want to find another way to make them a part of my life. I want to (continue to) be mindful of my surroundings and do as much as I can to respect nature. Music will still fuel my being.

I hope I can still find beauty in everything. I try very hard never to take anything for granted. My sense of appreciation is a huge part of how I make my way through this world. I live for moments and hold fast to memories. If and when I get old, I plan on having plenty of things to look back on and smile at. I want to always be aware (and sometimes prudent), but move fearlessly. I never want to stop being crazy. I want to remain “all over the board” and reside at every end of any spectrum I could possibly be measured against. I want to banish quantitative and relish adjectives. I’m going to keep my strength.

I don’t know where on this planet I’ll be ten years from now, but I know who I will be. My humor will keep me from crying when laughing is better suited. My friends will let me cry when there’s nothing left to do. I will sing and dance with as little reservation as I have today. I will love openly and create passionately. Perseverance will get me through the times I’d rather be asleep. I will look at the world and breathe in its magnificence. I will look at the world and do what I can to end the pain. People will still have reason to call me an old soul and a free spirit. I will be who I am and never wish to be anything else. That… that is all I can tell you.