I have minds to corrupt

This is for you.

2010-01-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, you. Like so many moments in my day when I close my eyes and wish I could share that second with someone I know would appreciate it.

I feel like I'm watching you live your life from an observation tower. I can see everything. I know more about you than most people (there was a time I would've said "more than anyone," but now I'm not so sure). But even if I wanted to shout down to you, you wouldn't be able to hear me at all.

So this is here because I know you check. And I want to tell you that I'm still here. I read your words (and blogger posts) like I always have, I just don't like to let you know. I never know anymore if we're on the same page, but if we are... well... talk to me.

Once again, with purpose.

2009-07-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's vain to think that everything you do needs to have some significance. I mean, I know that's not the case. But I hate to think that I'm just circulating words in an attempt to validate myself. I want there to be a purpose to this. I'm tired of just rambling. I want to help. Or educate. Or something.

b

2009-07-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

june, and i think about my birthday.
the end of school, the death cab t-shirt i wore to bits.
walking. everywhere.
plaid dresses, bare feet, and sharpied canvas.
raspberries in my backyard and the
swing set that became our fortress.
trips to cumberland farms and
sitting at the station. i love everything about trains.
the night we spent on the roof
of our dilapidated mini van.
(rain collects in the dent these days)
finding faces in the trees and signs in the stars,
with the moon looming large in the swimming pool.
much too much flour in those god-awful cookies that
we ate anyway, because the sun was coming up and why not.
sunshine meant we slept in the attic.
we lived in the canopy and
came down only for ice pops.
and these were the edges of our world.

june, and i think about my birthday.
the first two hours spent begging, my fingernails bitten clean off.
pacing. frantically.
cigarettes in my backyard and the
trampoline that became my sanctuary.
there was really no point in walking to the station.
no one was around to sit with me, anyway.
being driven to extremes i didn’t know i had.
(and the people unequipped to see me driven there)
the eerie solace that comes with total surrender.
insomnia-bred self-destruction.
gender and how it bends to please,
experimentation in every sense of the word.
learning what it meant to be filthy.
phone calls from you, from somewhere far away,
and hating myself the whole time.
losing everything i had – making do with what was left.
and these were the edges of our world.

june, and i think about my birthday.
it’ll be the second one without you, you know.
prospects of my summer and i shudder just a bit.
stability is nothing to count on - we know that.
and the words that haunt me rattle in my heart
like ghosts i see but don’t believe in.
foolish decisions and well-woven lies,
this was never supposed to happen.
my habits are less respectable now,
and you're making artistic advances.
i’m not very worried, though;
we still have plans for san francisco.
yes, there are states between us,
and they feel like oceans.
i don’t have a backyard or a swimming pool or raspberries to offer.
but a simple song was all you ever wanted anyway.
so i’ll serenade you softly, sheepishly upon your return.
(you were always the better singer)
and i'll pray, as i never do,
that you're here to stay...
home, with me.
because that’s what it means to be us,
and these are the edges of our world.

Kids these days.

2009-02-18T18:53:00.000-08:00

[21:36] itsrainingwords: i've gotten really good at taking care of myself, rio.
[21:37] starox18: yeah.
[21:38] itsrainingwords: and i'm so used to it..... it doesn't phase me.
[21:38] starox18: it should
[21:38] starox18: everything should
[21:38] starox18: you are young
[21:38] starox18: and you won't always be
[21:38] itsrainingwords: yeah, i'm young.
[21:39] itsrainingwords: but i'm the kind of young that had to/has to be able to be not-so-young. but i'm not so old that i don't appreciate my youth.
[21:40] itsrainingwords: like i told you, i just think about that night in august running around completely naked with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.... and i know that will never be as special as it was.... because i'll never be young enough to appreciate it like that again.
[21:41] starox18: no, you're cynical and you make me want to forcefeed you the little mermaid and twilight and fortune cookies until you think cigarettes are icky and fucked up people aren't really real and sex is something that happens with tru wuv vampire abortion style and you're never going to be that person because you never were
[21:41] starox18: and beer is usually untasty
[21:42] starox18: but cigarettes aren't, and you already know that, and it makes me sad for every child who will never be a child
[21:42] itsrainingwords: believe it or not, there was a time when i was innocent, when i was a kid. it just didn't last as long as it could/should/might have.
[21:42] starox18: and everyone has to grow up sometime but it's not usually over one year
[21:42] starox18: or one month
[21:43] starox18: or one godawful winter where the sun sets at 4 and rises at 8 and it's always dark and you're always miserable
[21:43] starox18: and you come home to realize everyone your own age is twenty years younger
[21:43] starox18: and everything happens all at once
[21:43] starox18: and you fucked up so badly
[21:43] starox18: and you'll never get it back again
[21:44] starox18: and now you're paying for it and you didn't even do that much wrong but no one gives a shit
[21:44] starox18: and everyone is not seeing
[21:44] starox18: and not caring
[21:45] starox18: and you realize that you're fucked up, you're a psa, a pamphlet, a paragraph in a psyche book
[21:45] starox18: and you can't do anything about it
[21:45] starox18: you're fucked up
[21:45] itsrainingwords: way to make me feel like something that isn't a person.
[21:46] starox18: i'm sorry
[21:46] starox18: i'm not really talking to you anymore
[21:46] itsrainingwords: who are you talking to?
[21:49] starox18: it's not really not caring if nobody knows
[21:50] starox18: myself
[21:50] itsrainingwords: i kind of got that feeling.
[21:50] itsrainingwords: but it all still hurts.

Reactivate?

2008-11-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

I never update this thing. I don't have a reason to. Few people know it exists. Fewer people care that it exists. Even fewer people would read it. But maybe that's not the motivation. Maybe the motivation is knowing that your words are out there for anyone connected to the internet to read. Maybe I just like knowing that there's the possibility that something I say will mean something to someone - whether I know them or not.

But I don't think I need this blog to do that. I don't know that I ever did. (I could elaborate, but I think I want to leave it to you to determine the significance.)

Wait... they don't love you like I love you.

2008-10-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

That's really all I wanted to say. That and, "I'm sorry." Because I am. I'm so sorry.

PS. I dreamt about you again last night. We were on a cliff. It was raining. I miss you.

Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed.

2008-09-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of just drifting right now. Drifting away, drifting through, drifting around. I'm not sure. Just... drifting. It's hard to thrive while simultaneously trying to pick up the pieces of something once familiar. Nothing seems to fit anymore. It's all awkward. Chaos still exists, but it's the kind of chaos that induces suffering, not insanity. I don't like it. People I love have been removed from my life. In one way or another I've lost a lover, a best friend, a parent, and a relationship I never wanted to let go of in the first place. Standing alone is scary, but maybe it's necessary. I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

Alive.

2008-09-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate these essays... but this is the truest one I've ever written:

I’m really not a fan of trying to predict where I’ll be five, ten, fifteen years from now. It’s not that I think it’s a bad idea to have goals and plans… it’s just that I don’t live my life that way. I haven’t known stability in so long that it’s almost uncomfortable to consider mapping out my journey years in advance. Things going how they’re supposed to is nearly foreign to me. Chaos and spontaneity tend to rule my days. Very rarely are there constants in my world. (And when there are, I savor that taste of normalcy.) But hey, that’s all still happening.

In all honesty, I have no idea what the future holds for me. I can’t say that I’m sure I want to get married or have kids. I have no idea what I want to do for a living. I do know, however, that I never want to be living a life where I’m not helping people. Throughout my fifteen-or-so years of existence I have always tried to make the world a better place. I want to be somewhere I can promote tolerance. That’s something that’s really important to me: unconditional acceptance.

I want to be independent. I want to be able to support myself, but I don’t want to forget the people that have supported me this far. I think I want to go to college. I want that experience and that further education. I want to have a source of income; preferably one I enjoy working for. I love words and people – I want to incorporate that in whatever sort of career I end up pursuing. I want to be healthy. That means going back to veganism and keeping with the kickboxing and yoga. I hope to have shared my art and writing with more people. I’d like to have animals. I was never really allowed to have pets in my parents’ home. If I can’t care for them myself, I want to find another way to make them a part of my life. I want to (continue to) be mindful of my surroundings and do as much as I can to respect nature. Music will still fuel my being.

I hope I can still find beauty in everything. I try very hard never to take anything for granted. My sense of appreciation is a huge part of how I make my way through this world. I live for moments and hold fast to memories. If and when I get old, I plan on having plenty of things to look back on and smile at. I want to always be aware (and sometimes prudent), but move fearlessly. I never want to stop being crazy. I want to remain “all over the board” and reside at every end of any spectrum I could possibly be measured against. I want to banish quantitative and relish adjectives. I’m going to keep my strength.

I don’t know where on this planet I’ll be ten years from now, but I know who I will be. My humor will keep me from crying when laughing is better suited. My friends will let me cry when there’s nothing left to do. I will sing and dance with as little reservation as I have today. I will love openly and create passionately. Perseverance will get me through the times I’d rather be asleep. I will look at the world and breathe in its magnificence. I will look at the world and do what I can to end the pain. People will still have reason to call me an old soul and a free spirit. I will be who I am and never wish to be anything else. That… that is all I can tell you.

How the heart bends, and summer she sends a sky that refuses to die.

2008-08-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

The title's for Becky - from her bubble-blowing, faerie-rescuing song. I miss her, by the way. I mean, I guess that's expected... for a girl to miss her best friend after a tumultuous ten weeks without her. But... she makes things bearable. She makes it so the moment's all that matters. We were supposed to have a kick ass summer. We half-expected it to top last summer - and believe me, that's tough to beat. Things didn't exactly work out like that, though. At any rate, I miss her terribly. I love you, B. I'm so proud of you.

As much as Becky's been occupying my mind recently, it's been hijacked by someone else entirely. This girl means so much to me. Her ability to love and forgive so unconditionally never ceases to amaze me. She and I have been through hell for being together - and I still think it's worth it. This summer has been a testament to people's intolerance. I never thought this would happen. I would never have guessed that at fifteen, the person I loved like none other would be virtually ripped out of my life with no warning or explanation. I can't say if there was a reason for this - whether or not it was to be this way is beyond me. For a while I tried to forget because it hurt less that way, but she haunted my dreams. And now as the opportunity to see her again draws nearer, I am simultaneously elated and terrified. (I feel no need to elaborate on these emotions - they are as they are.) I love you, Sharon.

And Brinda... where are you? Are you okay? Do you remember how much we care about you? I miss you, babe. I haven't even heard about you in at least a month. I wish I could have helped you. I hate that it turned out like it did. I'm so sorry.

To the people I've been fortunate enough to call friends these past weeks: thank you does not even begin to cover it.

You've been incredible, Lizzy. The birthday from hell was pretty awful, but made less awful by your hugs and cupcakes. I'm so thankful I'm not one to hold grudges, because you're an amazing person and you've made these crazy times that much more tolerable.

I'm not entirely sure where to start (or end, for that matter) with you, Dan. You're kind of like an unwavering source of sanity in this nuthouse I call life. Your willingness to listen and offer what wisdom - however cynical - you have is very much appreciated. You drive me up a wall every once in a while, but it's well worth it - and only fair. We need to get out of here, okay?

And to someone who has probably never looked at this thing: I meant it when I said you made my summer what it was. It must've started months ago, but that night on the way back from Philadelphia is where everything started to make sense. You've been so wonderfully supportive and I wish I could help you the same way. I'm truly going to miss you, but I'm also very happy for you to be where you are.

This didn't start out with any real plan. And I certainly didn't mean for it to sound like an Oscars acceptance speech, but so be it. Basically, I just want to give thanks where it's due and reassure you all that you remain in my heart.

For now and always,
April Grayce

I'm in one of those moods.

2008-07-21T23:52:00.001-07:00

The sort of mood that's making me want to type with proper capitalization, apparently. Also the kind that's making the world seem overwhelming. Generally that's a sign that what I need most is sleep. Since when do I do what I should, though? I don't know... I don't even remember what inspired me to log in to blogger. It's not important. I just decided my page looked in need of updating.

Alas I have nothing significant to say. It's summer. I never thought I'd be who I am. I never expected to end up here. With these relationships. With these bad habits. With these talents. In these circumstances. I'm glad I didn't see this coming. It would've been a whole lot less exciting this way.

There's a ton of things I need to have done that I haven't... and I'm on here... telling myself I need to give in and go to bed. Yes... I think I'll do that. Going to bed. Hmm. Staring into the dark at the ceiling for a few hours. Falling asleep as the sun comes up. Tossing and turning. Those dreams again. Nightmares. Wake up. Exhaustion. The day begins.

Goodnight, world.

somebody read(s) this thing?!

2008-05-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

ahhh. i haven't blogged in quite a long time. i've sort of decided there's not much of a point to it. i have a journal for writing my thoughts down and a notebook for keeping my writing in. oh well. i'm in the mood to update, so update i shall.

[half an hour later]

and after 30 minutes of mindless web-surfing... it is necessary to get some sleep. i suppose i'll do this tomorrow... maybe. 'night all.

apparently blogger isn't blocked at school

2008-03-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

today's my one week mark. i'm getting sick. i'm living at kelsey's till tomorrow morning.

and to those last 10 years i've been howling a paper moon...

2008-03-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

... well fuck you.

hahah. the past 2 post titles have been from why? songs. speaking of which, becky and i went to see them in concert tonight at the first unitarian church in philly. that reminds me of: the crazy drunk girls we met there, the fact that i want to visit a unitarian church nearby, how much i love the city, and, of course - everything reminds me of this, how much i miss the summer.

currently i'm getting bitched at to get off the computer.
spring break is almost over.
i'm tired of emotional breakdowns.
these past couple days have been a mega suckfest.
you guys are the reason i'm still alive.
i'm going to visit dad tomorrow.
send me love?

and all these songs are sung on road trips

2008-03-12T19:50:00.001-07:00

i promise i'll get around to writing a post with some merit soon. recently my mind's been kind of preoccupied.

anyway, i'm kind of a bundle of nerves right now. the reasons for that include:

sharon's asshole pastor and his desire to rid me of my bisexuality
my mother and her need to tell me all the horrible things that are going on in my family
people and their stupid fucking narrow-mindedness
other stuff i can't remember right now but i'm SURE is there

yeah. i'm going to bed. i love you all. 'night.

for the Bible tells me so

2008-02-26T09:59:00.001-08:00

yeah. it's a movie, apparently. i vaguely remember Pooja talking about it a couple months ago. it looks fabulous. it's all about how the "word of God" keeps being abused to condone prejudice and hatred. mostly, they focus on typical American, Christian families whose kids come out as gay. if you watch the trailers, there's stuff about how in the very same section that supposedly condemns homosexuality, it also says that eating shrimp is an abomination and that you should never wear linen and wool together. i can't wait to see this.

mmm diary.

2008-02-23T22:57:00.000-08:00

last post for at least a couple hours - i promise. i just noticed that i'm beginning to use my blog as a journal. that's bad. yeah. i think that's really about it. i think i should stop.

i'm less of a mess?

2008-02-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

the thing i was missing? yeah. it's been explained to me. it's one of those re-evaluations of yourself that does not end well. i'm glad that i realize where i fucked up now. i feel so much better. i'm working on this whole balancing act thing. it's tough, but i'm working on it.

i'm a mess.

2008-02-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

i haven't felt this mixed up for a long time. my stomach is all twirly. my head is killing me. my eyes are even sore. i think that my emotions come out physically. oh dear god. i'm so... gahh! i think i described it earlier as a "lazy, confused, on-the-brink-of-tears, generally satisfied, somewhat frustrated, totally in love, superfucking anxious, i-feel-like-i'm-missing-something" kinda mood. sharon paraphrased it as i have an "empty space - like stuart little, minus the mouse species." and it's true. i feel so sick right now. mentally and physically. i just feel so chaotic and fucked up and ahh! i want some clarity. rull bad. i want everything to be okay. i want people to stop fighting. i want to stop flipping like a fucking switch. i need help. oh dear god, i need help.

sa;dohfasoidhfashf;lsadkhfladskhflshdfoiahfisahdflkashfdlhsalfkashfdlksahfd;lkashdf;lakshdflkahsfsa;oifhsadoaslk.

this is not good. in the past few months: i thought i was getting better when in reality i was just trading one problem for another; i've lost what little moral compass i had to begin with; and i don't even know what's fair to expect of people anymore. i wish life came with an 8 ball.

i want to call someone to talk, but i don't know what i'd say. i think that you need to know what's wrong with you before you can go about fixing it.

yuss. it worked.

2008-02-22T03:13:00.001-08:00

so basically...

I GOT MY SNOW DAY!

fuckyes.

alright, i'm going back to bed now.

hopefully people will be able to come kick it at mi casa today.

yeah.

but first i'm getting food. running around the house telling everyone we don't have school really takes some energy.

till then. <3

april's shower brings snow showers? please?

2008-02-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

yeah, yeah. cheesy i know. but i just got out of the shower and the people on the news are talking about a "winter storm" and everybody's facebook status is hopeful for cancellations.

anyway, this is currently the weather forecast for tomorrow:

3am - the snow showers start
6am - serious snow starts
9am - wintry mix begins
3pm - rain & freezing rain begins

here's the emergency closing phone number for school: (610) 240-1970

and here's a site that'll give you the latest info on closings:

http://www.nbc10.com/closings/index.html

can you tell i'm fully prepared for a snow day?

gahh. i had too much fun with sharon tonight. blame her. =P

although, there will be no going out this weekend if it gets rull bad.

i is a yo-yo.

2008-02-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

wow. so apparently, there was a lunar eclipse last night. i didn't know about it, but becky and i still managed to stay outside and look at the sky for like half an hour. we were singing and freezing and it was wonderful.

the reason i was at becky's house in the first place is called "elise." yeah. my little sister. her temper tantrums are seriously getting out of control. it pisses me off that an 11 year old has the power to make me break down. gahhh. she is def one of my triggers.

previous to that, it was a weird day. like... nothing in particular happened, but i just felt shitty all day. blah. i'm not sure. although, the 4 girls in my spanish class debating whether they'd rather go to a spice girls concert or a hannah montana show definitely did not make things any better.

although, i did manage to get 2 decent poems out of the past week. that made me incredibly happy.

and then this morning! ahh! it was like i woke up all pissed off and anxious and sad and irritated and i don't know why. i've been trying to be really strong these past 2 days. going to school like nothing happened, being myself, trying not to let things bother me. but i guess i'm not as brave as i thought i was cause i just couldn't bear the idea of going to school today.

;oasihf;lisadhflisadhfisajfd;lsakdf;ojdsaflkjsadflksajflsak. i'm so fucked up.

sharon - sorry about this afternoon. i was really looking forward to hanging out. i just... i freaked out about school. i'm sorry, babe.

teen-age

2008-02-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

overplayed ballads and offensive lyrics
blare through the speakers
forcing rhythm down our throats
shaking the walls and my ribcage alike
perspiration mingles on our bodies
like the awkward bystanders
over by the punch bowl

the beat pounds on
i am unable to distinguish my heartbeat
from the bass in the background
unbearable noise in my veins

too-short skirts and low-cut tops
is the dress code for tonight
and being one to follow rules
i willingly oblige

my boyfriend behind me
my best friend in front
breathing sexuality
like oxygen for most

looking at us dancing
you’d never guess
what’s on my mind
but i cannot
stop thinking:

these are our glory days?

not too long after,
my inquiry was answered

yes, yes they are
sweaty teenagers and
near vertical orgies
this is what we will remember

and quite honestly,
i don’t think i’m
entirely okay with that.

*this is kind of an old one, but i don't know how many of you have read it.

thaw me

2008-02-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

step into the night dear
out beneath the navy sky
our footfalls matched
several miles between

find me by the signpost
where sunset meets steeple
blanket in backpack
flashlight in hand

we'll spend a few hours there
snuggled up against the unfortunate weather
drunk with closeness and seclusion
wishing we could stay

it's just us and the stars tonight

a novelist blossoms

2008-02-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

it all started with that
lonely patch of grass
beneath the gnarly dogwood tree
in my backyard at the old house
on a hot afternoon in midsummer.

it's there that i began
my story spinning
my tale weaving
my occupational escape.

for hours i would ramble
to the neighbors (or the birds)
senselessly, of course
about things fantastic.
green witches and featherweight faeries.

nothing much has
changed since then.
the leaves still whisper
poetry in my ear.

though i s'pose it's no longer
of mythical creatures,
but the idea of happiness
tolerance
peace.

which in all reality
is about as plausible as
green witches and featherweight faeries.

Fucking A!

2008-02-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

oh.my.god. i am so fucking tired of this shit. it's like i have to defend myself to every semi-normal dumbass who doesn't know the meaning of the word tolerance. what's worse, they're all cowards about it!

a;soidhc;oisadjcxds;oiccoiashdcoidcOISAhcdo

it's like... if i ever need something to reactivate my anger, honesty box messages are it. i mean, i like the idea of being able to give people a new perspective on themselves, but the harrassment that comes out of it is really just too much for me.

and yeah, kels. i could just delete it. but i don't want to have to do that. i would never say something like that to someone. so why do other people?

freedom!

2008-02-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

i just got home about 2 hours ago. i'm incredibly thankful for the help that i got and the friends i made. overall, the experience was really beneficial. i've realized that this is just the first battle of a long war. after this i'm gonna have 9 hours or therapy a week at Renfrew, plus the weekly meeting with Linda, and probably a weekly session with an art therapist. my god.

i've also gotten more tolerant than i thought possible. when i was at Bryn Mawr, i encountered (among others) a devout born-again Christian, a nearly-mute coke addict guitarist, an old woman with 3 teeth and few social skills, a desperate old man who was never right after the his time in Vietnam, and a whole bunch of crazy kids who repeatedly got themselves four pointed/isolated/tranquilized. i guess i've sort of gotten to the point where i can say: everyone has beliefs and opinions. a lot of people have beliefs and opinions as strong and extreme as i do. these people are just as entitled to opposing ideas as i am to mine.

i've gained a lot of valuable friendships, too. i met a lot of wonderful people i will never forget.

i've missed everyone at home terribly. i was almost sad to leave, but i'm happy to be back.

they'll have me in red sweats for 2 days

2008-02-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

grrr. so as you know, i'm going to be away for a week or two. oh fun fun fun. i've got to finish packing (even though they're going to confiscate half of this stuff) and then attempt to get some sleep.

i'm so freaking anxious. like... jittery shaky on speed anxious. oh jeez.

what's worse, i don't know when i'm going to be allowed to get in touch with people again. that makes me even more restless. i need my friends. i need my girlfriend. i'm going to come out more insane than i went in!

aoiahsaahfca;osidvc;oidhcaoisdhcisadchsadifv. hmph.

anyway, i love you all. i'll see ya when i see ya.

till then - over and out. <3

yin yang anyone?

2008-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking about my life as a whole a lot recently. overall, i'd say i'm better off now than i've been since i was able to talk. alright so here's the breakdown:

good stuff

i know who i am and i'm comfortable in my own skin.
i'm beginning to like how i look.
i love my friends; my friends love me.
i have a girlfriend who i love more than i thought possible.
i'm not afraid to defend myself anymore.

bad stuff

i'm pretty much mentally unstable.
my family is incredibly dysfunctional.
my mother will never love me for what i am.
i think i've gotten to be obnoxious.
i over-analyze everything; it leads to a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

and as a sort of afterthought...

2008-01-29T14:09:00.001-08:00

guess what this friday is, people?

INKWELL!

and guess what that means?

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE THERE.

not just because you love me, but also because you love good music. and overpriced baked goods. and chilling on gym mats with bean bags on top. mmm yeah. fun times.

remember: admission is $5, bring extra cash for food, prepare for a kickass coupla hours.

i believe kelsey's the one who asked me, so here's the band listing. i'm pretty sure they're listed sequentially, but i'm not positive.

here it is, kids:
-TimmyD and the Mysterious Stranger
-Alcoholic's Anonymous
-Isle of Jura
-Matt Quinn and Billy Weber
-Wild Boys
-Kiley Bense and Emma Wippermann

and in case you don't believe me, here's the facebook event site. as we all know, facebook never lies. (ever... except sometimes.)

http://hs.facebook.com/event.php?eid=6681743500

if you haven't already, rsvp so we can get a general idea of how many people are coming.

thank yahhh.

[this is basically completely unrelated, but i've still got a pretty major writer's/artist's block. it's drvin' me up a wall.]

zoloft and donuts

2008-01-29T14:05:00.000-08:00

grrr. so basically, i'm not allowed to be vegan anymore. yeah, not allowed. as in, they're essentially making me start eating dairy and eggs again. this sucks. so. much. i mean, i guess it makes sense for now. i s'pose if i wasn't immersed in chaos, figuring out a well-balanced vegan diet would be a helluva lot easier.

i had a glass of milk last night. my first in a month. it was so WEIRD. after a month of no dairy, a glass of straight milk is pretty strange tasting. and my mother gave me a piece of a donut today. that was also rather odd.

ah well. i still refuse to eat meat. no effing way.

psyche evals = SUCK

2008-01-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

really all i can do now is elaborate on the title. it's true. psychiatric evaluations are quite possibly my least favorite way to spend an afternoon. i need at least all ten fingers to count how many i've been to in the last year.

i swear, i should just go in with a speech prepared:

"no, i don't get neglected. no, i haven't been sexually abused. no, my parents don't beat me. no, i'm not going to kill myself. no, i will not inflict pain upon myself. no, we do not need a crisis plan. and yes, i can tell you my name and the current president of the united states."

GAHHHHH!

i'm a basket case. i get it. but seriously, is all this really necessary? i'm going to freak out and burn something down one of these days. then they can legitimately say i need to be committed.

(and why are shrinks so goddamn interested in random shit like how old i was when i crawled and what my first word was?)

i'm hiding in my hoodie

2008-01-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

i'm doing so primarily because i don't want my parents (really my mother) to notice that there's one more hole in my ear than there should be.

being the determined person i am, i decided that if my mom wouldn't sign for me to get a second piercing in my ears, i'd do it myself. so i did. with a safety pin and an ice cube. it hurt. a lot. but it's okay now cause i got it pierced and that's all that matters.

i'm incredibly frustrated with facebook at the moment because it keeps fucking up my photo album that i was trying to upload pictures to. i'll just put them here.

i wish it was warmer so i could go attack the apple tree... again.

2008-01-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

i want to start updating every day i think. or at least more often than i do. i don't know who would be all that interested in my life, but hey, why not.

i have a list of shit to do longer than my arm. as always, i'm procrastinating. i'll start on it in a bit. maybe. but first...

just a few quick things:
i'm certifiably insane and i've realized today i love who i am.
sharon is crazy - possibly more so than me, which is hard to do - and it's awesome.
becky supplies me with amazing music.
lizzy makes kickass photshop art.
kelsey's in florida and i miss her terribly.
david is my thinking buddy who listens to me rant and scares me about scientology.
my mother is a drill sergeant.
my father is a lazy bum.
my sister is a brat.

and i argued with an idiot today who makes me want to break things.

hopscotch

2008-01-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

do you remember those
endless days in august
filled with bubble-blowing
and rope-jumping?

or the evenings spent
fishing for fireflies
in the grass you said
always tickled your ankles?

all this was so much simpler then.
wanting nothing more
than a sleepover
and a meteor shower.

we were content
with a trip to the swingset
and tea in the treehouse.

but long gone are the
early morning hours of
pigtails and pancakes.

we're grownups now.
and though we've abandoned
our barbies and jewels,
we have yet to trade in
our pink sparkly two-seaters
for real ones.

i miss those years
when our destination
for comprehension
was just older.

[feedback please]

sit on the roof and watch time fly

2008-01-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

it occurred to me the other day that i am 1/8 of the way done my high school career. i don't know why, but that really sort of shocked me.

we're growing up. in fact, we're almost grownups. that's a scary thought. three and a half years for me until i'm completely on my own. a good deal less for a lot of you.

even just thinking about how much has happened in the past year blows my mind. where was i a year ago? i do believe i had stopped going to school at that point. i was sitting at home. sleeping. not eating. i remember being sooo depressed. that was almost definitely the lowest i've been in my entire life. right now, i don't think i've ever been this happy.

it's scary to look back at who i used to be. good little straightedge, homophobic, basically christian april who did everything her mother asked her to do. jeez. i think if me from 4 years ago could meet me today, we'd both be equally frightened.

i'm not quite sure what sparked this thought. i guess i'm just realizing how quickly life is moving.

somewhere warm and crazy

2008-01-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

sharon and i were at the movies last night (juno kicks ass by the way) and started talking about the mainline. this conversation of course was inspired by the gaggles of prepubescent girls jumping around in their authentic uggs, clutching their coach purses, and talking 90 miles per hour on their brand new cell phones.

this area makes me so angry. the mainline is, for the most part, a little pocket of ignorance in a world that's falling apart. everyone is so isolated by their wealth and refusal to shake off their tunnel vision.

not only are people sheltered from the sorrowful, tragedy-struck world around them, but they seem to condemn what little diversity exists locally. be it race, religion, sexuality, or status, individuality appears unacceptable.

i could go on for hours about this. i'm grateful that i live in a relatively safe area and i'm thankful for the education i (and will continue to) receive. it's just that the narrow-mindedness of the general population around here is getting to be too much for me.